As I sit here with pen and paper I realize that writing has been a gift of freedom for me in my life.
My journey to freedom started 15 years ago while I was lost, burnt out from caregiving, trying to make sense of my husband’s dying of ALS, and facing the reality of my childhood abuse. As I started to journal, I began to heal from loss and grief. Out of the journaling came the awareness that fear had many faces in life.
In my childhood because of sexual abuse I was afraid people would find out my secret. Of course I didn’t know this literally at that age, it presented itself in being extremely shy, feeling awkward, ugly.
As my teenage years approached I was afraid of joining groups or sports in high school for the fear of failure and being laughed at. I had a fear of being noticed and was very insecure and this actually made me a target for being teased by the boys at school.
As a wife and mother I tried to be perfect and be the best I could be for fear of not measuring up. I felt like I had nothing to say. I knew my place in the adult world and what was expected of me.
Writing gave me a voice and an opportunity to dig deep and acknowledge the feelings, emotions and thoughts that had been buried and lost while coasting through life and letting myself be driven by fear.
My commitment to writing and facing my fear was the only way I was able to walk my path to freedom and find my personal truth.
Over the years I have written thousands of pages, some wet with tears, some with rips and tears with the anger, fear and uncertainty of life. Sometimes pages with color expressing my mood in purple, pink, orange. I don’t go back and read my journals or stories – I like to burn them, which has become a ritual of letting go and moving forward in my life.
Writing has become my daily joy. It is simple yet powerful. There is extreme joy and deep hurting pain with my writing, but the sense of self-awareness, freedom and joy are worth exposing all my truth. Writing has allowed me to give the little girl within me the voice to grow from fear and meet the wonderful woman that I am today. The little girl does not need to be protected because she has grown into a strong, confident woman. My journey of words has allowed a pathway to truth and acceptance.
Writing has given me a voice, purpose and understanding of who I am and about my life’s journey. I am able to express myself through words and I can feel the emotion that each word ignites within my soul. I know that my writing can be like medicine to others, and that I can inspire them by sharing my experiences.
Writing has allowed me to love who I am. I am able to look in the mirror and love the woman looking back because of the courage and determination to find Donna.
I allowed my heart to open and let love flow through my pen and discover more about myself and life.
I am blessed!
Photo credit: Anais + Dax