Finding my Inner Light
My inner light is my soul. The part of me that lives deep within my being. The voice that speaks to me. The part of me that had been locked away for many years. The soul that I was born with that had come into the world shining bright and with the light of God. The mystery of life to be lived through the innocence of a child.
My light was diminished to a mere flicker when sexual abuse entered my life when I was a little girl. That scared little girl carried a big secret and was shy, felt ugly, and alone. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I realized that I had locked my light away many years before in order to protect my soul.
My catalyst to change occurred while I was caring for my dying husband. During this traumatic event, the door to my past sexual abuse blew open. I was horrified that I now had to deal with my past abuse, as well as my current grief. I was asking myself, “Where did I go? Who am I? What do I do now? How can I do this?”
My answer to myself was to choose life, not grief.
There was a little voice within me, nudging me to move forward and be the best that I could be. The choice was mine to make. I could listen to my inner voice, my intuition, or I could ignore it all and stay in the pain and grief, and be a victim. That small glimmer of light let that lost little girl have a chance to be heard.
I started one step at a time, making small changes. My first lesson was that no one could do the work for me: I was the only one that could find Donna. I had to acknowledge the pain of my dark secret of abuse, and the pain of watching my husband die from ALS. I had to learn to be alone with my thoughts and emotions, and to allow the tears to flow and to journal the pain, loss, and fear as I gave my past a voice.
I grew up with the notion that I was to be seen and not heard. In reality, that was the little girl within me protecting the secret that I was to keep. The more I allowed myself to express who I am on paper, the more I realized that I have a voice and I have something to say. By writing, I found the courage to face my abuser and read my truth. I found my strength to conquer my fears and to challenge the untruths that had kept me from shining bright with love, hope, and confidence.
I have been on my path of self-discovery for over ten years now and as I gain awareness, my light shines brighter every day.
I have learned to journal, to meditate, and to take care of myself. I can look into the mirror and see the amazing woman I am. I can look myself in the eyes and see who I am. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am worthy, beautiful, or loving. I have learned the most amazing lesson in life: I can love myself and I know that I am enough. I have had to dig deep through tears and life’s lessons to gain confidence and to trust my inner voice, my soul… my light.
I have taken my power back and I know that only I can give it away. I am free to be ME! There is no need to go through life protecting my heart and to live in fear of others judging me if they know my story. Every day is a new adventure, and I have been given the gift of life, and I will never take it for granted.
Everyday my light shines brightly, and it will continue to grow more magnificent every day. My soul, my light, will shine on for the rest of my life until the day I go to meet that great light in the afterlife.
My light shines as bright as the sun on a summer day, and as bright as a full moon in the midnight sky.
I am light! I am love! I am Me!
Photo credit: fromupnorth.com
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Storykeeper: Donna Fitzgerald
Donna Fitzgerald has been on her personal journey of self-discovery for the past ten years. Her purpose is to inspire and help others in their search for meaning in their lives by sharing her journey. Donna is a past caregiver, past volunteer with the ALS Society and Neuromuscular Clinic at St. Mary’s of the Lake Hospital in Kingston, Ontario. Donna currently volunteers with the Bereavement Support Program at Hospice Kingston and works full time as an Administrative Assistant at Hotel Dieu Hospital. Donna’s motivation is to live life with purpose and love.
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